Alone. u_u || My past life, missing things

This is going to be a selfish post, but I just gotta say something...

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.......... LOOL, Read this depressing post if you will. >_>

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I am alone. I feel alone. I have no real friends. I'm literally alone. And I have been for 6 months. Now, that might not seem like a big deal, but when you have actually not had any human interaction that you enjoyed in those months, you start to get lonely. I feel as if its just going to be this way forever. As if I won't be able to find anyone who'll be capable of brightening up my day with a single 'hello' Maybe I will be like this for forever, maybe I won't have any physical friends until 2018. Maybe, I was meant to wait forever. To be alone. Gee, Niah, that's depressing. Well, yes, and I'm not done yet. What if I was never meant to love anyone, to care for anyone. What if I just grow old and die. Die with 12 other dogs buried beside me. I'll die a crazy old dog lady. Sounds fun. *No it doesn't* I love my room, and I love people. I am super talkative. I will not shut up. And this, this not having friends is killing me U_U I NEED TO BE SOCIAL!!!! LIKE A BUTTERFLY!! >_< XDD Seriously though, all I have to keep me company is youtube and books. Next thing you know I'm gonna start having convos with people making vlogs. While they're talking O_O Then I'm going to start talking to myself, and never speak again. I CAN'T TALK TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT MY BOY TROUBLES SO I HAVE TO TALK TO MY FREAKING DAD. AND HE DOESNT LISTEN!!!! I am so freaking alone. I mean, my life, in all honesty, sucks. Just right now I mean, at this point. I love my books, allowance, internet, and my room. But I don't get to share it with anyone! Sleepovers are my thing gurl!! And people admiring my stuff, is like the best thing ever. I love sitting down with my friends and watching them look in awe at my stuff. It makes me happy to see them happy. And I give whatever they hold on to, to them. They get free gifts u_u I used to sell these things because i just love to share my creativness. You probably didn't know that I am super creative o_o I can make you anything. I'm like a tinker bell ninja!! HIYA!!! I used to be popular in my grade, except for that one kid who bullied me. But, still, I was nice and creative. I made these little bunnies out of paper, and taught everyone to do it. AND THEN WE CONNECTED OUR DESKS AND MADE TISSUE BOX HOUSES!!! AND THEN THE TEACHER LET US KEEP IT!! AND THE TISSUE BOXES WERE ALL CONNECTED!! AND I THINK MINE WAS CONNECTED TO MY CRUSH!!! AND AND AND ...... !!! Yeah, creative P_P So yeah. I'm still alone, talking to no one out there. Just myself. Huzzah. I feel so social right now. >_> I feel like an absolute creep, talking to a computer 'cause I have no friends. I mean, cute dude asks me why I look so sad, WELL THANKS FOR ASKING!!! MAYBE ITS BECAUSE I HAVENT HAD HUMAN INTERACTION IN 6 MONTHS!!!!! ;-; Seriously, don't ask me why I'm sad, start a conversation instead. What the heck is wrong with me? Am I intimidating? I seriously sit in youth, away from people. In the farthest chair. But still, lonely person, come talk to depressed person! OVER HERE!!! ;-; I told you, I was writing a selfish post. I sit in that chair waiting for someone to approach me because my dad said friends should come to you. BUT WHAT IF EVERYONE THINKS THAT!!!! NO ONE WILL APPROACH ANYONE1!!!! Think dad, just think. There's girls there, but I'm the tallest. I hardly speak, and I'm super shy. All I do is sit in a chair and listen to the sermon, and stand up when needed. But, no!!!  EVERYONE SITS SO FREAKING FAR AWAY FROM ME LIKE I HAVE COOTIES OR SOMETHING?!?! I just want to cry right now. What is wrong, sitting next to a girl you don't know? I mean I wouldn't do it, but it just happens. Ugh. I mean, I probably wouldn't sit next to me. I mean, I do find it awkward so I guess I understand. But I feel as if I'm not welcome there, as if I'm some sort of intruder. The weird kid, who doesn't have social media or a phone. A bookworm. Heck, I am not weird. I have had a super social media life before so I understand it all. I just decided to get rid of it all. God what's wrong with me. I can't even make any friends. I'm stuck in this bathroom writing to myself about how stupid of an idiot I am. Oh gosh, sorry, my language. Just ignore that. I would break down instead, but I'm to tired, writing this just seemed like a better idea. 

What I miss....

I just miss the joy of friendship, I miss giving gifts to my friends and seeing that smile on their face. I miss having someone to do absolutely insane things with. Someone who would give me a hug when I needed it most. I miss the times when I would get in trouble for doing something stupid together. I miss the times when I was normal. A normal kid, a kid with so many friends. So many bff's. I miss the time when I was with my mom, my not sick, fun, caring, loving mom. My home. My home, where I met my bff. Where my dog was born. Where I spent so many years coming in and out. So many years, staring outside the window and listening to the sounds of birds chirping. The sound of leaves rustling. When I had nothing big ahead of me to worry about. The days when I could just think, no distractions, no unbearable grief, and no pain. When I was normal. When I went to school, when I didn't. Where I celebrated birthday's. Where I had a garden to water. Where I had crush's to crush on. Neighbors to laugh at. People who made my life a home. The pain, the joy, love, happiness, friendship, compassion, grief, pain, peace, and more love. I miss it all. I miss my friends, my mom, my dogs, my neighbors, my backyard, my school, my room, my house, my stairs, my stupid crazy plans I made. I miss the times when life was simpler. Those lucky years I had, to be normal. But when my mom got cancer, it was all over. We were in debt, we started going to the doctor, life was shortened, my mom got weak, my dad worked hard, I had to see my mom suffer. And she suffered a lot, but she stayed strong till the end. She fought, she didn't give up, and she still cared for everyone but herself. She had to be reminded that she had to thin of herself, because she loved everyone. She put God before everything else, She put everyone she knew before she thought of herself. And she was the greatest blessing I could ever have. She helped me, she was there for me. She was my best friend. We did all those thing best friends did, we did all those thing a mom and a daughter ought to do. And then she was gone. Died in China without me, died suffocating, died because of a cold hearted mans mistakes. A doctor, who couldn't care less about life. A doctor with no heart at all, a doctor who put his pride ahead of my mothers life. And then she was gone. I hope someone saves that poor damned soul. I hope he can find God, because cursing him won't so me any good. Lets just hope he sees what he has done wrong and that he will fix it, fix all of it. All of the lives he put behind him. He has no right to treat life as such. Especially my moms life. He made mistakes, that he did not admit to because he was to proud. I hope God saves him. I miss it all. I miss everything. I miss me. I miss who I used to be. I have changed so much, and it hurts to know that I can't go back. I can't go back those days when I was innocent, or when I felt no serious pain. I had never felt it. And its because of all this that I am here right now. I'm sitting here, in Malaysia, in a bathroom. In a country I never imagined going to. Yet, here I am. I feel like my life is messed up. I left all of it. Its all gone. Now I'm a selfish brat, a selfish and alone idiot. I have no one left. I seem all happy to you, but inside I'm ruined. I am broken. I can't feel emotions, I can't let people in to my life. I can't be hurt again. I'm stuck in this body, I'm stuck in this life that I feel as if there is no purpose. I wake up, do schoolwork, sleep. And I do it over, and over, and over again. WHAT IS THE POINT GOD?! What is the point? Please tell me, because I need a point. I can't just sit here and do nothing with my freaking horrible life. I'm a mess, I can't even sort out my own emotions. I don't even know if I love him, or if I'm just putting all my grief aside and deciding to love something. But I can't love. I think I know what it is. But I don't. I can't feel that anymore. I feel like a stone. A cold emotionless stone. I wish I could be more than that, I wish I could actually feel those emotions. I feel so alone. So hurt, so unloved. So uncared for, I feel like nothing. Just another useless speck of dust. Floating around. When will I land? When will I find that purpose and land there? I need to know God, what is my purpose. What is it? I don't want to be selfish! I just don't know how not to be. I need help. I need to freaking find out what my problem is and fix it! I need to pray about this, and I need to stop sulking around. I need to stop being a useless speck of dust and find a general direction to head toward. But am I ready to do that? Am I ready to do my purpose? I need to do this. This is the point of living. I need friends, but I can live without them. Its not something I need to survive. I will always pray to have them, but God is the only one who can give them to me. I can't force something that just won't happen, but I need to stop pushing people away 'cause I'm acting like a complete jerk. And that sounds weird...'cause I usually just call boys jerks....but I guess I'm one as well. >_> I suck. Yay! I still haven't resolved my 'Do I actually love him' problem....next time...So yes, I conclude that I need to be a better person. And this motivational speech is not really helping, but it has to. o_o It must. p_p So yes! That is all for now, I must sleep its 'tis 12:30 at night u_u sleeeeepppp. Meow. Bye cupcakes!